I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
