quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
