u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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