I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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