Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
