Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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