its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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