6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
