I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
