the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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