Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
the day after is always just damage control
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
