I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
