i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
