And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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