did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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