the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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