When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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