I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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