John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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