Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
