My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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