Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
