is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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