my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
