$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
