I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
