genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
