How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
