remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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