I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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