All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
