If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize