I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize