He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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