I faked an abortion last night.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
