The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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