My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
