Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
