You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Randomize
