If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
