God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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