in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
