so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
