I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
