just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
