there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
So here I am, sexting at work.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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