im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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