How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
