He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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