Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
