she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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