I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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