Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
