Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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