Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
