omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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