I wish you could order shots online.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
