Swine flu. Run for my life!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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