shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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